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Melinda’s abortion story

Living with a step mom after my mother left when I was 3 was very difficult. She was so cruel to us, especially when my dad who traveled a lot, was not home. She would beat us up, overwork us, and even denied us food severally especially when we told him of her ill treatment when he came home. I had dreams and expectations in life just like any other child; to be established in my career of choice, and also getting married a virgin and having children in marriage was something I looked forward to. The harsh treatment from my step mom gave me such a low self-worth that caused me to constantly look for acceptance from my peers. But life was a little kind to me and I got a job immediately after graduating from college.

My peers were perfect match makers; it did not take long before I succumbed to their pressure to be in a relationship. I was so naive and without the muscles to stand for what I wanted. Well the relationship took a good tangent and became stable even though I didn’t choose the man for myself. After some time I got pregnant. I spoke to my boyfriend and he took responsibility and was ready to support both me and the baby.

My boyfriend was from Uganda, time came when he had to travel back home because he didn’t have the right papers to stay in Kenya. We agreed that he goes then come back at a later time so we can plan for our future together. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days since he left and begun to wonder why. I was still carrying the pregnancy and expecting a good future with him, standing on the promise that he would marry me. Weeks passed but still didn’t get a word from him. I began to feel cheated and abandoned. After a couple of months with no sign of him or even a word to calm my nerves I concluded that he had lied to me and had abandoned me.

I started thinking of how I was going to face my family and tell them about the pregnancy. It was difficult but I gathered my guts and spoke to them. Of course they were not amused by the news. They couldn’t take the shame of a young, unwed girl pregnant girl. My father said that I was too young to be a mother and therefore the solution was to have an abortion. Even in the face of abandonment the thought of abortion had never crossed my mind, and I truly wanted to keep my baby. But nothing I could say or do could change my father’s mind. I had to face the pressure from my family alone. It was painful that the people I trusted most and thought would help me took me to the abortionist, to the slaughter house. I was five months pregnant when it happened. I had begun to feel my baby move…

The abortion did not leave me the same. My relationship with my family was deeply affected and I started resenting the very people I had grown to love and respect. My sense of self-worth so low and my life was not making sense to me. I kept condemning myself and had a deep need to belong and to be loved and accepted.

Unbeknown to me my boyfriend had gotten into an accident on his way home and got into a coma for a couple of months. This I knew when one day he appeared at my doorstep unannounced. I was so shocked! I didn’t know how to react to his image and what to tell him about the baby either. When I told him the truth it was too much for him to bear. So he broke off the relationship. This got me so devastated and angry at my family again. I started blaming myself and wished i would have waited a little longer. I thought that now that he came there was hope for love and a future again, but he left… I got very bitter with my family, especially my father.

Then I got a job as an administrator at an abortion providing organization. Since I was struggling with a lot of guilt and self-condemnation this became a safe environment for me because my colleagues did not see any wrong with abortion. The environment soothed my conscience and numbed my pain, but also opened a wider gate to abortions. I stopped seeing abortion as big deal. Apart from my monthly salary I also got a commission for every one girl I referred for an abortion. So I was getting very good money but deep down I knew it was blood money and it didn’t make me happy.

Since I was looking for love and acceptance in the wrong places I got pregnant five other times. Choosing abortion was not so difficult then. I only kept one of the pregnancies. But even this beautiful baby that I kept and thought would fill the void in my heart did not. I did not feel worth of love from any man so I only got into non-committal sexual relationships which put me at risk of multiple pregnancies, and therefore the five abortions.

I had wounded myself so much that I could not find the true me anymore. I hated who I had become. I knew I needed help but didn’t know where to turn to. I was in and out of depression and what helped this time was alcohol. It also helped me cope with the anger, bitterness, hatred I felt towards myself and my family. I also began to hate my work. My conscience couldn’t allow me to go on working at a place where they killed babies. My eyes begun to open to the reality of how broken I had become. The convictions that had long left me started rising up again. Bearing the burden of my own five abortions and those of over two hundred women that I had aided in aborting their babies was difficult, only God could save me.

One day when I was watching TV the Pearls and Treasures team came on. As they shared their stories and how they have been affected by abortion. I connected with a lot of what they said. I got a deeper understanding of my own emotional turmoil. I decided to seek help from them. They had me join the post-abortion support group, but after three weeks I couldn’t go on because of the conflict of working for an abortion providing organization and facing women who were hurting from abortion. I couldn’t face that. I had also decided to make a commitment to be a Christian, but then I was still going back to my place of work. I knew I needed to quit my job being a single mother I didn’t know how I would make it without the money. I was so torn.

My facilitators followed up on me even though I had quit. A couple of months later I decided to do the right thing. I quit my job and went back to the post abortion healing program. I was so relieved, I felt like a heavy burden had lifted off my shoulder.

I successfully completed the twelve weeks healing program, and also the mentorship program that helped me to come back to walking in sexual purity, and healed my damaged self-worth. I now confidently share my story of healing and restoration. I have decided that I will do this if only to harvest all the women I sent for abortions as I worked for the abortion providing organization, to tell the world how abortion hurts women, and to save as many babies as I can by the grace of God.

Thanks be to God. I am forgiven, healed and set free!

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